Peace

I have virtually nothing in my head to unload right now. Nothing majorly traumatic has happened in the last few days, nothing that has gotten my emotions in an uproar.

Is this what peace is?

Tired of Me

Selfish life. Selfish thoughts. Story of me.

I get on here to unload all the awful thoughts going through my head, and then I just end up sitting here feeling guilty and unable to confess them.  It's too embarrassing. The things that go through my head.  The things I know I should be believing and thinking vs. the things I actually think.  I wake up everyday day praying for a new outlook, praying and expecting healing and progress - for my thoughts and the baby.  But it doesn't take two minutes of just listening to the things around me, specifically when the baby is struggling, to bring me back to "earth".  I am starting to hate earth.  I must be one of the weakest humans because it's too hard for me.  I'm tired of crying everyday. I'm tired of sickness and disabilities.  I'm tired of therapists and doctors.  I'm tired of other people's pity.  I'm tired of me.

I'm tired of when I'm in the midst of my pity party, the baby will laugh at something and make me feel even more guilty.

Rainbows and Lollipops

Sometimes I wonder how God could even want me on His team.  I am constantly questioning. So much that I often wonder how much I am actually hurting the team.  Perhaps if I stood on His Word a little bit better, believed and trusted more, I could have a better testimony or witness for team Jesus.  But I'm afraid I come across, especially in my expressing what's going on in my mind on my little blog here, as a bench warmer at best.

But I don't want to pretend. I'm always suspicious of Christians whose testimony seems to be all rainbows and lollipops. I wonder if I can ever get to that point of MY testimony being rainbows and lollipops.

I used to think it kinda was, but then things happened that totally threw me for a loop. And I question. Does living like that exist or are they not showing their true colors?  Is being a good team player mean hiding the questions and doubts and struggles you have in order to be a "good witness"?  Only talking about the good stuff?  Am I hurting the team and turning people away from team Jesus by admitting that I still can't seem to play the game right?

And don't think I don't know the rules to the game. I know it's about His Word.  I KNOW!

Victory. Victory in Jesus.  Is it possible?

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Heb 4:14-16 (NIV)

Lord Jesus, I want to know and live victory.

Spring Winds

It looks beautiful outside, but I can see the trees bending a bit from the breeze. And actually I am just noticing that they are bending the opposite way than they usually go. And the clouds are moving right to left instead of left to right.  Weird.  Or maybe I have just never noticed that the wind doesn't always blow in the same direction in Spring.

My day to day life is like the Spring winds.  Sometimes an easy gentle breeze from the southeast and other times a blistery blast from the northwest.  I'm getting tired of living in Spring.  I want Summer.

Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying, "God has lost track of me.    He doesn't care what happens to me"? Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind.

Isaiah 40:27-31 The Message (MSG)

Lord Jesus, I need. 

Me, Myself and I

I swear sometimes I have multiple personalities.  There are days where I experience inexpressible joy and deep gratitude - I feel hopeful.  Then there are days where I feel like I've never experienced anything but sadness and grief - I feel hopeless.  And unfortunately these emotions seem to be tied very closely to my current circumstances.

You'd think after 40 years, 34 years spent as a born-again Christian (with all the Biblical training that comes with that), that I would be beyond riding the roller coaster of my day to day emotions.  Why can't I seem to transfer all of that head knowledge of the Bible into a heart knowledge?

Please God, help me "get" your Word.  Understand it.  Apply it.  Live it.  I'm so tired of it being all about Me, Myself and I.  Help me lay my crap at your feet.  Help me take on your easy yoke.  Help me understand what that even means!  It seem like just words to say.

Another Crisis of Faith

Sometimes I feel like everyday is a "crisis of faith".  What exactly do I believe about God in the midst of things not being easy and seemingly going very wrong.  Today I feel like I need to investigate "what does God is in control mean?" in the context of "if all things good are from God, and if He is a good God, then how come he doesn't seem to prevent bad things from happening?"

One article, Is God in Control? says,

Some sincere and well-meaning Christians would tell us that we must trust that God’s “ways are higher than our ways” (a verse usually taken grossly out of its context in Isaiah 55:7-11); that “all things work together for good” (a very poor KJV translation of Romans 8:28—the NIV is accurate and thus far more satisfying in terms of reality); that we must “take it on faith,” etc. Whoa—take what on faith? Biblically, “faith” is trust in an understandable promise. 

I wonder if his opinion is correct? I'm so sick of Christian phrases like "God has a reason for this" when applied to why crappy things happen to people.  I'm having a hard time understanding God's plan and calling Him good who would allow bad things to happen if He could prevent them.  I thought one of the results of "the Fall" is that we now know good from evil.  So I have a hard time calling something that is clearly evil, good and attributing it to God and that He did it for a reason.  Maybe I just don't understand theology very well.  And anytime I try to, I get overwhelmed with all the different opinions and interpretations out there.  But the problem is, right now, I feel like I need an answer. I need to know. Is this even possible?

Ugh. Sometimes I have too much time to think.

Grudgingly Grateful

Problem solver and short-term project person. These are two ways I have often described myself, and both have a big part to play in my ability to feel successful.  But this baby is not letting me be either of those people.  He certainly is not going to be a short-term project, and he is definitely challenging my confidence in my problem solving skills.

I can't fix him. I CAN'T FIX HIM! I haven't even been able lately to fix the little things like figuring out what's wrong when he is fussy and being able to provide relief for him.  I am a failure. And although I've been fortunate that he is normally an easy fix and very laid back, these few occurrences hurt my heart and mind. A lot.

But how can I complain? I've read blogs of other moms enduring much worse than what I have so far. So I guess I have to be grudgingly grateful. I will have to expect that he WILL find relief at some point. (And that maybe I will be able to successfully check it off my "needing to be fixed" list?)

A Year and a Half Later {Choosing Life: Preface Part 2}

{Choosing Life: Preface Part 1}

So I guess you are wondering about the rest of the story?  I shut down the blog for a while now and have decided to revive it for therapeutic reasons.  Perhaps it will help. Or perhaps I will decide to go into hiding again.

If you read the previous post, you know that I was pregnant with a baby that was doomed by the doctors to die.

Well...that baby wanted to live. And what a story he will have to tell someday.  But for now, he goes on living (I would say "surviving", but that almost seems too desperate.  Some days it feels like all he is doing is surviving, but mostly he is living). He's beautiful. He smiles and laughs and interacts as best he can. And he is progressing.  Primarily, he has the brain malformations listed in the previous post.  There are lots of names for the multiple things "wrong", and some of the "fixes" include a shunt for hydrocephalus, g-tube for swallowing and feeding issues, orthotics and a wheel chair and stander and therapists for his physical delays.  But he is alive. And he smiles. And he seems to know who his people are.

But as for me, sometimes I feel like all I'm doing is surviving.  I know that's not true most of the time. But the times when things get tough, it sure feels like it's overwhelmingly true.

When I envisioned my life, I always saw into the future as being mellow, no risks, and easy...basically a boring and uneventful life.  I suppose no one envisions challenges, heartache, and trouble for their future.

So even though things get hard now and again, I wonder if the good really does outweigh the bad.  If memory loss will weed out the moments of crisis.  And I wonder if one day I'll be able to look back and think, "Well, at least I didn't have an uneventful or boring life." And, "My life was rich with experiences."

{Choosing Life: Chapter 1}

An Unexpected Turn of Events {Choosing Life: Preface Part 1}

After finding out about Austin's condition on September 8, 2010, I shared the sad news and prayer request with my women's Bible study group. They cried and prayed with me, and I was subsequently asked to share my story of receiving bad news and my response at an upcoming church women's retreat as well as at another church for a women's meeting. The following blog post is what I wrote sitting by the lake at the women's retreat, and what I read (or cried through) at both events.

----------

October 10, 2010

An excerpt from a song called "Give Me Words to Speak" by Aaron Shust primarily sums up what I felt after a phone call from my nurse-midwife on September 7, 2010:

Calloused and bruised
dazed and confused
My Spirit is left wanting something more
Than my selfish hopes
and my selfish dreams
I'm lying with my face down to the floor
I'm crying out for more (crying out for more)

Chorus:
Give me Words to speak
Don't let my Spirit sleep
Cause I can't think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe You my life
So give me Words to speak
Don't let my Spirit sleep

In November 2009, we felt led, after eight years, to try for our third child.  I had my IUD removed, went through numerous hormonal, physical adjustments, and ailments due to that removal, and was happily pregnant by mid-May 2010.

On September 7, 2010, I had my very anticipated 20 week ultrasound.  Later that day, my nurse-midwife called to say that there were questionable things found and there needed to be another more detailed ultrasound.  On September 8, I had this detailed ultrasound, and we were presented with a very crappy prognosis for our future child.

Now my typical reaction to bad news cannot be described as the most gracious and admirable of reactions.  In fact, events of 2008 and my reaction to them probably most exemplify my typical handling of a crisis.

On January 1st, my husband tore his ACL in a skiing accident.  On January 3rd, he received a phone call that his dad was driving his mother to work, had a heart attack and died.  While his mom tried to pound on his chest and control the car, she drove the car into a pole off the road, bruising her face and crushing her hand.  Within a week, my husband's mom and his sister, two brothers, and sister-in-law moved to town.  His mom and sister moved in with us.  My husband's brother and girlfriend, who were already living with us, continued to stay with us until the memorial service was scheduled and performed.

Towards the end of January, while I struggled with one of the worst sinus infections I could remember, my husband had surgery on his ACL at a local surgery center.  And wouldn't you know, all did not go well.  The surgery went quite a bit longer than planned with the doctor later explaining that the hole for the pin broke through the bone, the pin got stuck and had to be retrieved and another hole drilled to circumvent the original mistake.  I then found out that during and after surgery, my husband's pain was never managed and he was sent home by the end of the day in extreme pain with a list of pain killers to take.

The pain pills did not work and, after calling the doctor several times during the week with the result of being put on various narcotics, he finally woke up one night, to my despair, claiming that he couldn't get a deep breath.  He called his doctor who said to call back in the morning if nothing changed.  Instead, the next morning, my husband was in such stress, we dropped the kid's off at school and headed directly to the emergency room.  He was eventually diagnosed with blood clots in his lungs and was put on blood thinners to prevent any new clots.  He stayed in the hospital for about a week. The aforementioned doctor came to his bedside and apologized profusely.

After my husband returned home and was laid up in bed, I had a ruptured ovarian cyst and got my own trip to the hospital since I did not know what is was at first.  In the end, both of us were laid up in bed like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  My husband's injured mother and sister took care of our two boys and us while we were medicated and sleeping.

By now, I was seriously reaching my limit of what I felt I could take.  Eventually, one night while trying to go to sleep, I broke down and literally screamed out at God.  I was loud, mad, angry, and felt alone.  I threatened and cursed.  I wrestled with God like Jacob.  And my husband prayed.

Later in May, for unrelated reasons, I was put on a low dose of antidepressant for a high heart rate and a history of migraines and depression.

By the end of 2008, I finally felt like life was getting back to "normal".  After recovering from our various ailments, we finally found a new church (which we had begun looking for in November 2007).  I cried through the service every Sunday.  I had also read several Christian books given to me that summer, including The Shack, which provided encouragement and hope over time.  From the end of 2008 through 2009, I experienced a time of relative peace and rest even in the midst of two more family deaths and additional family illnesses.

And then it was September 8, 2010.

Psalm 139:13-16 (New Century Version [modified by me]):

13 You made my [baby's] whole being;
       you formed [him] in my body.
14 I praise you because you made [him] in an amazing and wonderful way.
       What you have done is wonderful.
       I know this very well.
15 You saw [his] bones being formed
       as [he] took shape in my [ ] body.
    When [he] was put together there,
16 you saw [his] body as it was formed.
    All the days planned for [him]
       were written in your book
       before [he] was one day old.

Portions of the Obstetrical Ultrasound Report read "Fetal abnormalities that were noted during today's exam were: right sided talipes, bowing of the right femur and tibia, hands appeared clinched with overlapping of the digits.  The anatomy of the fetal brain is completely disrupted, with none of the usual landmarks or CNS structures having a normal appearance.  Specifically, we note an enlarged cisterna magna; dysgenesis of the cerebellar vermis ("Dandy Walker Complex").  The cerebral hemispheres are displaced laterally and inferiorly, with concomitant lateral and posterior displacement of the choroid plexus', multiple large cystic vascular flow above the circle of Willis.  These findings may be attributable to a destructive process, such as a major vascular occlusion in vessel supplying the CNS, or, less likely, due to a neoplasm such as an intracranial teratoma.  The combination of the CNS findings with the other abnormalities also suggests more generalized disorders such as aneuploidy, or other genetic syndromes."

Below are two of the ultrasound images that illustrate the written report.  The dark areas are the fluid filled cysts:

Looking down from top of head

Looking at profile

That night on September 8, 2010, I cried.  I mourned my expectations of a normal baby.  Throughout the night, I gave the baby to God, the Creator of the baby - the One who forms in the womb.  I asked Jesus to hold my baby in His arms; to comfort and protect him.  I confessed my guilt and fears - guilt over considering aborting, guilt over wanting God to take the baby if he was going to struggle to live on earth, and fears of the baby dying.  I asked for love and strength to take care of a disabled child who might not be able to return the love.  And then I prayed for a miracle.

I had swallowed my pride earlier that evening and asked my husband if I could ask for prayer on Facebook.  My husband had already called the church for prayer earlier too.  Beginning that night, after crying and praying, I began to feel peace.  I felt it had to be the Body of Christ praying for us.  I had never truly felt that before - the peace that passes understanding.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (New International Version [me]):

9 ...“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power [strength, blessing] is made perfect in weakness.”...

Unfortunately, my husband struggled at first, and said he felt God's hand of blessing had been taken away.  I said I felt the opposite.  I began telling my husband and others about the new found blessings found in the midst of yuckiness.  I saw my kid's "faith of a child" brought forth in amazing ways.  My friends and family offered support without questioning our decision to keep the baby.  I felt that weird peace when peace should not have existed.  And everything I read on the internet of other people's experiences after deciding not to abort after being given crappy news from an ultrasound was positive and encouraging whether they lost the child or not.

Isaiah 40:31 (NIV [me]):

31 but those who hope [wait on expectantly] in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.

I felt I could get up every morning because of the prayers - the wings of eagles - offered by the Body of Christ.

I had family call and say they were trying to figure out why this happened, why we were going through this, what we were supposed to learn from this, etc.  But I was not feeling directed to ask "why" - that the answer to "why" will come in the future, in retrospect.  I felt my job right now is to work on my response to the situation.  Was I going to get angry at God again, or was I going to be quiet and receive whatever blessings God may have for me?  Was I going to be fearless in the face of the scary unknown?

I know what I want to do, but I also know that it will not come from me (in my weakness), but from God (in His strength).

Lord Jesus, let me recognize and receive your blessings as they come my way.  Amen

{Choosing Life: Preface Part 2} 

The Migraine

3:30 am - Her eyes pop open. She briefly wonders why until it hit her, the pain seering behind her eyes and across her forehead, as if a cold steel knife is separating her skin from her skull. Blinding, yet so strong, it hurt to close her eyes.

She knew better than to just lay there. She turned on the light, an evil bulb of yellow brightness. And through sheer will power, she eased out of bed, trying not to jostle her head. The dogs on the floor beneath her both jump up thinking it is time to go out.

She makes her way to the kitchen, turning on yet another set of torturous lights. Squinting, she finds the medication she needs, chokes it down, and makes her way back to bed.

Upon lying down, she realizes her mistake. She needs an ice pack to distract herself from the pain and the nausea from the medication. So again, she stumbles to the kitchen, not bothering with lights this time. But even the tiny bulb in the freezer sends her hand flying to her face in an effort to block it out. Frustratingly, she shoves frozen meats around until she finally finds an ice pack.

Back in bed the coolness brings swift relief as she maneuvers it around her face, head and neck, never leaving it too long in one spot lest numbness sets in and distraction from the pain lessens.

5:00 am - She glances at the clock.  The medication has finally kicked in and the pain is diminishing.  Sleep returns.

Musings on Christianity

Right now I'm reading the second volume of "The Story of Christianity" by Justo L. Gonzalez, a historical theologian…not sure what denomination, schooled at the United Seminary in Cuba and at Yale.  Anyway, I read the first volume this past November and December.  It’s at least giving me what I think is the big picture of how the Christian church has come about since the time of Christ.  (I have desired to figure that out for a while now, trying to understand why there are different denominations, why Catholic and Protestant, etc. in the first place).  I think it seems fairly unbiased in the way it presents both the Catholic and later the Protestant evolutions (however, whether everything is accurate from the perspectives of both C’ and P’s, I don't know).

I have learned that from the very beginning (well, even by studying Acts I saw this) that there have always been disagreements and divisions.  It certainly has been a bit overwhelming to realize how much people, especially since the time of Constantine, have used the state to force Christianity (whether C or P) on others, or how people have used Christianity as a means of prestige and power in the state…and how many wars, persecution, hatred and death have come from all that…when Jesus’ primary commands were to love God and love others.  It breaks my heart to start to understand this.  I just never realized what a violent history Christians have, and yet we try to preach love and forgiveness, mercy and respect.  No wonder it can be confusing to anyone who considers themselves intellectuals or have an understanding of this history to not see Christianity as hypocrytical.

I was never interested in history in school, and when I did have to study history, it never seemed to be in the context of Christianity – which I would have been interested in.  With that said, I am rather overwhelmed that Christianity in any form or denomination has actually survived to still be around today.  I can only attribute that to the fact that the power of the Holy Spirit is greater than whatever power man thinks he has over things…and that the Holy Spirit living in me affirms that Jesus is the truth.

"Do You Have a Headache?"

Have you ever woken up in a relatively calm, peaceful mood (i.e. tired because you stayed up too late), and maybe you made a comment to someone (i.e. your husband) that you were enjoying the sounds of the birds outside (because you were still waking up) when someone (i.e. your husband) tried to turn on the radio, and because of the benign comment, someone (i.e. your husband) says in a sarcastically (your opinion) concerned way, “Do you have a headache?” and “Are you in a bad mood?” and “How late did you stay up?”, and somehow those comments (you can’t imagine why), put you in a bad mood?

Can You Say Gross?

I went outside today to spend some time with the dogs and play fetch. As soon as I let them out, our four year old large white Golden went directly to a small retaining wall of boulders next to our house and started sniffing around in the crevices.

I figured he smelled some kind of critter that had been or was still hiding in one of the holes. So I kept saying in my high little, talk to the puppy voice "What is it, puppy...get it, puppy...what did you find puppy?" And he was so excited that I was playing the game so he kept running to me and running back to the holes.

So eventually, I'm thinking "OK, Lassie...your trying to show me something." So went over to see if I could see what he had found. I was then thinking he had lost some kind of nasty toy in one of the cracks. But I couldn't see anything (and there's no way I'm sticking my hand where I can't see!)

So I went back to playing fetch with the Golden and our 4 year old German Shepherd with the rubber frisbee. I would say "Bring me the toy." And usually the Shepherd was first to chase it down and bring it back to me, and then I say, "Drop it." And he puts it at my feet. The Golden never seems to have a chance. The poor thing usually makes it there in time, but he just can't seem to be quick enough to grab it first.

So this is going on and the Golden leaves the game for a second to go back to the holes. The next thing I know, I'm clapping and saying "Bring me the toy!" and the Shepherd drops the frisbee next to me and the Golden drops a dead bird.

Honesty in Prayer

My 7 year old son and I were praying before bed the other night. I usually start and then he will interject something as it comes to him. So just before I wrapped it up, he pipes up and says, "...and thank you God that I can read now...it really changed my life!"

I had to stop right there and ask him what he meant by "it changed his life"...I mean, this could be really deep!

He looks at me sincerely and says, "Because now I can play xbox by myself. I don't need [my 9 year old brother] there to read things to me!"

Oh well, at least he's open and honest with his God.

A Glimpse Into My Journey

I often wonder why I am here, what my mission in life is.

After DH graduated from school, we planned on him getting a job in the southern state where the rest of our family was already living. But after sending out resumes to firms in the south, DH felt impressed that maybe he should investigate firms in his hometown in the northwest. Together, after much praying and asking for signs (of course, we asked for signs...or at least I did...I mean, come on, the northwest?), we decided to "step out in faith" and follow what we felt like was God's leading.  And we still feel like God lead us there.

However...

Since I grew up in the Bible-belt and had a Southern Baptist evangelical background for 27 or so years, I just figured this was some kind of mission trip. Of course, since I knew all the "right" answers, the do's and don'ts, how to pray, how to lead worship and sing in choir, how to read and "study" the Bible, then I was probably being sent up there to the northwest for God to use me in some way to minister for Him.

So we got involved in a small Baptist church as soon as we arrived. There aren't many Baptist churches in the northwest so I thought, ah-ha, there was my mission, to help grow a little church. I sang in the choir, then I sang with the praise team, I lead vacation bible school music, I played the piano and led the praise team for almost a year, I put my two cents into numerous Bible studies and Sunday schools, I taught preschool Sunday school...heck, I was busy for God...I was doing "His Will".  And I felt ok about everything, but not real excited about any of it. I'm a Christian, so I'm obligated to serve in the church, and if I don't enjoy it, then that is my cross to bear, right? But then...

Some friends of ours gave us the opportunity to help start a church. It was going to be a non-denominational church with the purpose of reaching out to the un-churched. So I figured, ah-ha, this must be where it has all been leading. God wants us to help lead and finance a new church that will really make a difference in people. That must be the "mission" and reason why we are here in the northwest.

So, again, I sang with the praise team, I led Bible studies, I taught children's Sunday school, I brought food to potlucks, etc. But none of it seemed fulfilling. I thought, if I were doing "God's Will", shouldn't I at least enjoy it, shouldn't I kinda look forward and not dread it, shouldn't I at least have some kind of contentment?

So we left the church. And we church hopped. Soon, we decided we just needed to find a church where they would be scripturally fed and take a break from all the "serving".

We tried the Episcopal church that DH's grandpa attended. It was great for a transition time. Our kids liked the church school, and they enjoyed getting to go to church with another family member and getting to take communion every Sunday, but we didn't feel like they were getting spiritually fed at this particular church.

Then we tried a Catholic church (our kids go to a Catholic school, and I was already attending a scripture study at one of the Catholic churches). We liked it ok there too. I knew people, the homilies (sermons) were fine, but, in the end, we didn't feel like it was the place for us at this time either.

So we tried some other churches and finally found a little church located within a small neighborhood. It was a four square church which we had no idea what that was (we had to google it, and, fortunately, nothing seemed too foreign about it). But for about 2-3 months, I cried every Sunday through the whole service.  It got to the point that when we arrived, I just automatically grabbed a handful of tissues from the back. The pastor was talking to us. And it was like God was talking to us.  Finally, I was looking forward to attending church again. And I didn't know anyone. And I didn't want to know anyone. And I didn't feel compelled to get involved or do anything but just attend church and, well, cry. And God gave me rest.

And...

He revealed something to me through all this. Partly through the scripture study at the Catholic church and partly through attending this church and a subsequent women's retreat I went to with the church during the summer. God did not bring me there to the northwest to do anything for Him.  He brought me there to show me what He wants to do for me. He wants to give me freedom, rest, peace, contentment, love, fearlessness, joy. And, huh...who would of thought, once I decided to just sit back and receive it, I wanted to give too.

But it was with a different perspective. It was not what I could do for Him, or what I felt obligated to do because I'm a "Christian", or what I thought people expected me to do. But it was more about paying attention to what I was receiving from Him through any service or actions. Recognizing that He's the giver.

I realize I'm moving more and more outside my little Southern Baptist box, and I hope with God's grace that I can continue to see the bigger picture from His perspective. I want to see the "church" as the body of Christ that it is, not the little divisions of hands here and feet over there that we humans have made it.

And the journey goes on...

A Church Report

Yesterday, DH dropped off Jonathan (7) for Sunday School. DH said there were three little girls already there who, when they saw him, all said "Yay, Jonathan is here! He makes us laugh!"

----------

Michael (9) attended "big church" with us instead of going to his Sunday School class. During the sermon the pastor asked a rhetorical question and Michael answered it out loud. We were sitting on the back row and the pastor heard him and mentioned it. Everyone giggled. I should not have been surprised that Michael was not embarrassed and seemed to enjoy the attention.

My Son's Self-reported Health Status

I got a call to pick up my seven year old son at school today because he had a fever. On the way home, I asked him about his symptoms. He said, "I have a weak eye and 100% temperature."

(The school had told me he had a weeping eye and a temperature of 100 degrees.)

I Took a Tumble

Last Saturday we drove to a local ski mountain to ski. I've been tired of taking the same old trails down the mountain and wanted to check out a different trail on the back side.

The silly sign said it was blue, but it was a lot harder that the other blues we'd been on all day. So since it was my big idea, I felt like I had to take the initiative and lead the way down the mountain.

We were all doing great with the kids only falling a couple of times until the very bottom where it was about to flatten out. Who put those darn trenches right across the trail! All I knew is that one minute I was skiing fast and a little out of control (which is normal for me-the out of control part), and the next minute I tumbled head over heels and landed on my back with my feet in the air (ok, all you people with your mind in the gutters...no comments about that); I don't know how my skis stayed on.

I turned around quickly and waved so my family didn't think I was hurt, and I see my seven year old son come cruising down the hill towards me. As he get close, he says "Mom! Are you ok? That looked DEVESTATING!"

I was so proud of his big vocabulary word I almost forgot the pain.

Instant Coffee and Migraine Prevention

I just thought I'd do a quick report on my migraine situation. I usually got a migraine headache at least 2-3 times a week, sometimes almost everyday. I had pinpointed many different kinds of triggers, but could never stay away from all of them consistently. And I would either wake up with one or develop one by 2:00 - 3:00. I usually took Exedrin like my dad as soon as I got the sensation that one was coming on.

Early this year, I went to an internist for a high heart rate, and as an aside right before I left, mentioned my headaches. So to make a long story short, after trying a couple of things, I ended up on Lexapro (an antidepressant) based upon my past history with depression (treated with Zoloft - stayed on for about 5 years, but finally got off) and the fact that sometimes depression and migraines are related. I don't remember being aware of whether or not I had fewer migraines while on Zoloft or not, but I went down to having maybe 1-2 a week/every two weeks with the Lexapro.

But then DH had bought some instant coffee to make these instant lattes like my dad makes. And one day I decided to throw a small teaspoon full in my instant breakfast drink. I think I did it to see if it helped with my energy level. And it did. So I started doing it everyday. But I also noticed/realized that I couldn't remember the last time I had a headache. So I think it must be preventing them for the most part. So now I do it for that reason. It also works without the instant breakfast which just a cup of skim milk, a teaspoon of instant coffee, and a sweet and low (which I drink cold like my instant breakfast). I drink that if I'm having real food for breakfast. Now the only thing that I can think of is that I am not a regular coffee drinker. I don't really like hot drinks, or really the taste of coffee unless I put a bunch of sugar or cream in it, and I'm out with the girls for breakfast. So maybe it works b/c I usually just have that one teaspoon a day.

I am curious if it would work for other people. I tried to do an internet search and found a couple of mentions of people doing instant coffee shots for migraine prevention. But that sounds terribly untasty. Is untasty a word?

Mundane Ramblings

I've been trying to exercise 5 or so days a week now. Last year I did about 2 or 3, but that wasn't enough. So this morning I went to the Y again, and now I am sitting here all sweaty typing on the computer. Gross, huh? So has anyone read "Younger Next Year"? It's aimed towards people coming up to, or in, retirement age, but we figured it doesn't hurt to get a jump on things. Anyway, it's what is motivating us right now. Besides the fact that DH doesn't want to follow in his dad's footsteps and die young.

Outside, we are socked in with some kind of "inversion" thing. Basically, the cold is held in, but it is also damp like we are in a cloud/fog. Seems colder than when it is dry. We saw the sun here in the valley for a bit yesterday, and I hear if you get up the mountain a bit, you will be above the fog/cloud and see blue skies.

My dogs are quiet right now. I suppose someday I will need to post a picture of them. They are quite cute if not somewhat annoying at times.

It's so quiet here, I actually heard the heater come on. Really, I should go shower and get something done.

As I mentioned in my facebook status, I'm in the process of organizing and decluttering. I never can do it right. You are supposed to do little baby step and maybe one room at a time or whatever. But I always start in one room, but one thing leads to another and I've got the whole house turned upside down. Then it is overwhelming and I get burned out. So "focus, focus, focus". I say that to my kids all the time to. I wonder where they get the gene for being easily distracted?

The kids are just fun these days. I have separated their rooms (which, of course, currently look like tornadoes hit while we are sorting through everything). DS(7) is quite proud of himself that he has slept in a room by himself for 3 days now. And while DH(9) was looking forward to getting his own room, he is actually the one mourning the loss of having a companion in the room at night.

Ok, I know. Go take a shower...I am freezing here in the basement with this layer of moisture on me. The aforementioned heater, does not do justice in the basement.