Tuesday, July 1, 2014

I Don't Want to Heal

I don't know who I am right now.
Am I just going through the motions of healing, or am I really healing?
And healing from what?
Healing from the fact that I don't want to follow the rules all the time?

This life is too long.
I still occasionally feel trapped.
I still occasionally feel like running.
I've lost privacy and time to be alone for sure.
Going through the motions.

I'm definitely trying to do what those who counsel me are telling me to do.
And I'm good at it too, I think.
My family seems happy when I appear happy.
And I think I'm happy at times.
Especially when I'm busy.

But I can't tell if it's working.
I still feel a sense of loss.
It creeps up now and then.
I don't even know that I've lost anything really.
Just feel like I did.

Can I constantly stay busy so that I never have time for reflective internal thoughts?
That's probably the safest thing for me.
Stay distracted so that I don't have time to think about what I want, or what I feel.
I want to go on a Sabbatical.
I just want a break.

Some time off.
I want to hide out in a cabin alone in the woods.
I want to hide in a closet like I did as a kid.
Or under my bed.
It was safe in those places.

No one could see me.
I could be alone with my thoughts.
I could be sad and cry if I wanted to, and no one would be around questioning why.
I don't want to have to give a status report of how I feel emotionally, physically or spiritually. Because if I were truthful, it would cause disappointment.

And I don't like to disappoint.
It's a daily test of my will power not to disappoint.
I'm a mess.
Sorry family.