Saturday, May 26, 2012

Rainbows and Lollipops

Sometimes I wonder how God could even want me on His team.  I am constantly questioning. So much that I often wonder how much I am actually hurting the team.  Perhaps if I stood on His Word a little bit better, believed and trusted more, I could have a better testimony or witness for team Jesus.  But I'm afraid I come across, especially in my expressing what's going on in my mind on my little blog here, as a bench warmer at best.

But I don't want to pretend. I'm always suspicious of Christians whose testimony seems to be all rainbows and lollipops. I wonder if I can ever get to that point of MY testimony being rainbows and lollipops.

I used to think it kinda was, but then things happened that totally threw me for a loop. And I question. Does living like that exist or are they not showing their true colors?  Is being a good team player mean hiding the questions and doubts and struggles you have in order to be a "good witness"?  Only talking about the good stuff?  Am I hurting the team and turning people away from team Jesus by admitting that I still can't seem to play the game right?

And don't think I don't know the rules to the game. I know it's about His Word.  I KNOW!

Victory. Victory in Jesus.  Is it possible?
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Heb 4:14-16 (NIV)
Lord Jesus, I want to know and live victory.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Spring Winds

It looks beautiful outside, but I can see the trees bending a bit from the breeze. And actually I am just noticing that they are bending the opposite way than they usually go. And the clouds are moving right to left instead of left to right.  Weird.  Or maybe I have just never noticed that the wind doesn't always blow in the same direction in Spring.

My day to day life is like the Spring winds.  Sometimes an easy gentle breeze from the southeast and other times a blistery blast from the northwest.  I'm getting tired of living in Spring.  I want Summer.
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying, "God has lost track of me.    He doesn't care what happens to me"? Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind.
Isaiah 40:27-31 The Message (MSG)
Lord Jesus, I need. 

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Me, Myself and I

I swear sometimes I have multiple personalities.  There are days where I experience inexpressible joy and deep gratitude - I feel hopeful.  Then there are days where I feel like I've never experienced anything but sadness and grief - I feel hopeless.  And unfortunately these emotions seem to be tied very closely to my current circumstances.

You'd think after 40 years, 34 years spent as a born-again Christian (with all the Biblical training that comes with that), that I would be beyond riding the roller coaster of my day to day emotions.  Why can't I seem to transfer all of that head knowledge of the Bible into a heart knowledge?

Please God, help me "get" your Word.  Understand it.  Apply it.  Live it.  I'm so tired of it being all about Me, Myself and I.  Help me lay my crap at your feet.  Help me take on your easy yoke.  Help me understand what that even means!  It seem like just words to say.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Another Crisis of Faith

Sometimes I feel like everyday is a "crisis of faith".  What exactly do I believe about God in the midst of things not being easy and seemingly going very wrong.  Today I feel like I need to investigate "what does God is in control mean?" in the context of "if all things good are from God, and if He is a good God, then how come he doesn't seem to prevent bad things from happening?"

One article, Is God in Control? says,
Some sincere and well-meaning Christians would tell us that we must trust that God’s “ways are higher than our ways” (a verse usually taken grossly out of its context in Isaiah 55:7-11); that “all things work together for good” (a very poor KJV translation of Romans 8:28—the NIV is accurate and thus far more satisfying in terms of reality); that we must “take it on faith,” etc. Whoa—take what on faith? Biblically, “faith” is trust in an understandable promise. 
I wonder if his opinion is correct? I'm so sick of Christian phrases like "God has a reason for this" when applied to why crappy things happen to people.  I'm having a hard time understanding God's plan and calling Him good who would allow bad things to happen if He could prevent them.  I thought one of the results of "the Fall" is that we now know good from evil.  So I have a hard time calling something that is clearly evil, good and attributing it to God and that He did it for a reason.  Maybe I just don't understand theology very well.  And anytime I try to, I get overwhelmed with all the different opinions and interpretations out there.  But the problem is, right now, I feel like I need an answer. I need to know. Is this even possible?

Ugh. Sometimes I have too much time to think.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Grudgingly Grateful

Problem solver and short-term project person. These are two ways I have often described myself, and both have a big part to play in my ability to feel successful.  But this baby is not letting me be either of those people.  He certainly is not going to be a short-term project, and he is definitely challenging my confidence in my problem solving skills.

I can't fix him. I CAN'T FIX HIM! I haven't even been able lately to fix the little things like figuring out what's wrong when he is fussy and being able to provide relief for him.  I am a failure. And although I've been fortunate that he is normally an easy fix and very laid back, these few occurrences hurt my heart and mind. A lot.

But how can I complain? I've read blogs of other moms enduring much worse than what I have so far. So I guess I have to be grudgingly grateful. I will have to expect that he WILL find relief at some point. (And that maybe I will be able to successfully check it off my "needing to be fixed" list?)

Saturday, May 12, 2012

A Year and a Half Later

So I guess you are wondering about the rest of the story?  I shut down the blog for a while now and have decided to revive it for therapeutic reasons.  Perhaps it will help. Or perhaps I will decide to go into hiding again.

If you read the previous post, you know that I was pregnant with a baby that was doomed by the doctors to die.

Well...that baby wanted to live. And what a story he will have to tell someday.  But for now, he goes on living (I would say "surviving", but that almost seems too desperate.  Some days it feels like all he is doing is surviving, but mostly he is living). He's beautiful. He smiles and laughs and interacts as best he can. And he is progressing.  Primarily, he has the brain malformations listed in the previous post.  There are lots of names for the multiple things "wrong", and some of the "fixes" include a shunt for hydrocephalus, g-tube for swallowing and feeding issues, orthotics and a wheel chair and stander and therapists for his physical delays.  But he is alive. And he smiles. And he seems to know who his people are.

But as for me, sometimes I feel like all I'm doing is surviving.  I know that's not true most of the time. But the times when things get tough, it sure feels like it's overwhelmingly true.

When I envisioned my life, I always saw into the future as being mellow, no risks, and easy...basically a boring and uneventful life.  I suppose no one envisions challenges, heartache, and trouble for their future.

So even though things get hard now and again, I wonder if the good really does outweigh the bad.  If memory loss will weed out the moments of crisis.  And I wonder if one day I'll be able to look back and think, "Well, at least I didn't have an uneventful or boring life." And, "My life was rich with experiences."