6 Ways I Deal With The Funk

Every now and then I wake up and feel a depressing funk or sadness wash over me (you can read a couple of my descriptions here and here), my very own dark little cloud. I don't think its clinical depression (although it runs in my family) because I eventually emerge from it whether after a day or so, or a week or so (or even a month or so). So looking back, I've found it can usually be chalked up to one of a few things.

• It might be an unrealized expectation and subsequent disappointment. I'm a planner, and when things don't go according to plan, I feel it. I mean, I REALLY feel it. I would go so far as to say that I experience a short round of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) sometimes even over what should be a minor disappointment.

• It might be cyclical grief. Although I've surrendered and accepted certain hard, life circumstances, the day to day of those circumstances can still trigger a short period of anger, sadness or longing for what could have or should have been, again and again. 

• It might be project related. If I have an upcoming deadline or commitment that I know I need to set aside time for, my procrastination tendencies kick in, and I delay starting and/or finishing until I've made myself and everyone around me completely miserable about it. 

• It might be hormone related. Every month that physical cycle we all know about involving the cleansing of the old and replacing with the new can potentially wreak havoc with my emotions. Mentally I resist change so maybe my body does too in its own debilitating manner. 

• It might be health related. If I'm feeling sick or tired (or both), I also find I'm much more sensitive to the weight of the world (even if that "world" is just other family members). Sometimes overeating or eating too much of the "wrong" food seems to trigger the funk.

So over the last couple years, I have discovered a few ways of dealing with this depressing funk if I remember to take a moment and realize what is happening. But I also have to remember what the ways of dealing with it are, too. So I decided to make a list for myself that I'm also sharing here with anyone else who might need some ideas:

1. Give Yourself Permission and Grace 
Give yourself permission and grace. Try to discover what triggered the funk in the first place. Set aside time to nap/rest/think. Give your body and mind time to process. If you are feeling overwhelmed with work or a deadline (or life - period), and you have procrastinated, acknowledge and accept this about yourself and give yourself forgiveness. Be realistic about yourself, that this is who you are, or this is how you work. Don't let it surprise you. Accept it. Anticipate it. Plan for it.

2. Unload on Someone
Tell someone you trust about the funk and everything going on in your head, whether good or bad thoughts. Tell someone as soon as you notice the signs. If you don't have someone to tell, get a spiral notebook (or join a private Facebook group that allows venting, or start a blog) and write about it. Write however it feels helpful. (I found writing in third person helps me distance myself from some of the more difficult circumstances.)

3. Breathe Like This
Sometimes the depressing funk can feel like and/or cause anxiety or panic so remember to breathe. (There are many descriptions of how to breathe in order to alleviate anxiety on the web, so just I'll describe what I discovered by accident - and through observing my medically complex son - that works best for me.) Breathe in a big breath through your nose, down into your lungs, and hold it as long as possible. Let the held breath push on your lungs and back of your throat like you are about to let it out, but don't. Then when you can't hold it any longer, let it out in an uncontrolled exhale over the back of your throat and through your nose, keeping your mouth closed. You can allow a moan or a hum when you do this, but you don't have to force it. Don't push the breath out, but don't hold it back either. Once you've exhaled that breath, give in naturally to the next few breaths as your body recovers and takes in oxygen. Don't force these breaths, just allow them to occur naturally. Then, after your body has recovered, do it again. (I usually do it several times until I reach a natural stopping point where my body feels calm, and I don't have to do it anymore at the moment.)

4. Let Out Noise and Silence Your Mind
Find a space where your can be alone (like in a car), where no one can hear you. Listen to whatever music or white noise will drown out your thoughts. (Usually for me it is something with an intense driving beat and lots of electronic and percussion instruments where you can't really discern a melody, voices or words - probably whatever music my parents would call noise.) Play it loud enough so you feel it in your chest, but don't hurt your ears. I call this volume "just below painful". Then sing, yell, or scream as loud as you can. It's possible this could be another form of the breath work mentioned above. But it also serves the purpose of drowning out the negative commentary in the mind that often accompanies the funk. It's after effect is like white noise for the brain so that it has time to forget and reset.

5. Make a Tiny Check List
Make a list of 2-3 small goals to accomplish the next day before you go to bed the night before. Set an alarm and don't allow it to snooze. As the day permits, work on those 2-3 small things. Once you accomplish them, reward yourself even if that means allowing yourself to take a nap or sit on the couch and watch a movie. Do this everyday until the funk passes.

6. Only Think About the Very Next Step
Take your eyes off the big picture for a moment. Determine and only focus on the very next step that needs to be done right now. Sometimes just putting a word on a page, drawing a line on the paper, or picking up one piece of dirty laundry and putting it in the hamper can get the ball rolling.

So that's it. A reminder list for me, and maybe an idea list for you. I would love to know if any of these methods work for you. I would also love for you to share your own methods with me.

There Was Only Time To Survive

Shell-shocked.

She's always had words in her head during times of crisis, physical or emotional. Questioning words. Analyzing words. Angry words. Despairing words. Story words. If she could get these words out of her head and written down, the experience has a chance to become more manageable, endurable, laughable even.

But this past month it was all she could do to stay in the moment and not give up. Rest was elusive, and there really was not time to sit and process the situation, there was only time to act or sleep.

Really, only time to survive.

But now as the clouds are slowly parting, and she's getting glimpses of her normal again (even though one of them is still in the hospital), she needs to decompress. She needs to write. She needs to unload this past month and try to make sense of it. She needs to process everything she has thought and felt so that she can move on or let it go.

Yet, she has no words. She's shell-shocked. She's stunned. She's been attacked, kicked in the gut, discarded in the corner of the alley.

Events of this past month have caused her to go back and question again these past 6 years. She's analyzed the crucial decisions. She's gotten angry over naive hopes, and she has despaired over decisions made in faith.

She doesn't know where she stands anymore on a few perhaps moral or ethical issues, and she's not sure those around her, whether it be her family, church, or special needs community (especially them), would support her voicing her thoughts on these issues out loud.

So perhaps that's why she feels she has no words. Perhaps the words she does have aren't palatable or relatable or acceptable, and therefore she fears writing them down.

She might be alone with these thoughts. And being alone is a scary place for her.

I Feel Sad

"I feel sad," announced my internal monologue. Out of the blue. While I was making a salad.

I have no idea where these thoughts come from or why during the day while doing the most mundane things, they pop up in my head. I mean, yes, eating a salad is not my first choice. I would definitely be "happier" with a big bowl of pasta or even pieces of cold pizza. But for my brain to verbalize this in a sentence always catches me off guard.

My first instinct is to start looking around and analyzing my circumstances. "I'm sad? Ok, thanks brain, I didn't realize that, so what's making me sad?" Then it's very easy for my to start identifying all the "problems" around me and to justify that thought with, "Yep, I AM sad. I SHOULD be sad." The longer I search and dwell on all those things that should be making me sad, the sadder I get.

I don't think these thoughts have anything to do with me having clinical depression or at least I'm going to deny they do. They come and go. Of course troubling circumstances bring on and intensify sad emotions, and I have experienced depression and grief, but sometimes I don't feel the sad emotion until the words just pop up like a cartoon thought bubble over my head while I'm making a salad. Maybe it's just the shadow of grief that C.S. Lewis describes in A Grief Observed: "Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.”

It's interesting the way that it starts as a thought which in turn, if I entertain that thought, becomes the emotion. And once the sadness has settled in, I am learning I can decide what to do about it. If I can notice and be aware of it (which seems to take practice), if I can stay present which has the affect of shutting off the thought cycle in my mind, then usually I can just watch and experience it until it goes away. I may still cry. I may still have tears. My eyes will burn, and my nose will turn red. It's not about resisting the emotion once it begins, it's about being aware enough that I can identify it, say "I see you", and then wait. And whenever I have tried to do this, the sadness usually fades away. I like that its something concrete I can try to do.

But then again, sometimes I don't want it to go away. I want to wallow. I want to feel the misery. I want a reason to eat the ice cream. I want to let my thoughts run away and indulge my mind in all that's wrong with the world and feel the weight. I want the cleanse. And that's ok too. The point is I can choose. And I am aware that I can choose. The hard part sometimes is just remembering that I can choose.

A Heart Cries Out

She can feel the heat rise into her face and her eyes grow hot with moisture. Her nose suddenly feels warm and the edges of her mouth turn down on their own, quivering as she fights against the oncoming tears, bursting into sobs. Balling up her fists, she pounds the mattress, kicking and screaming. Her dark wavy hair spills across the pillow as she buries her face trying to muffle the sounds. Her heart feels like its going to explode. She wishes it would.

She deprives herself of oxygen as she smothers her cries in the pillow, her breathing slowing and getting deeper. She begins to calm and imagines herself suffocating. But her body won't let her. At the last second, her head turns and she gulps in deep breaths of the cool room air.

A two year old's tantrum performed by a 43 year old on and off for the past seven years.

And now she's tired - tired of fighting with God, tired of questioning, tired of analyzing. She's reached a cross roads of sorts. She's either going to back down and embrace the faith of her youth, no questions asked, or she's going to have to chuck it all. She can't keep saying she believes something and then turn around and constantly question what she says she believes.

She wants assurance, truth, and freedom.

She craves rest, purpose, and fulfillment.

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The overwhelming tiredness began about seven years ago when life really began to get real. All of a sudden life didn't seem mundane or easy anymore, it began to get hard: medical emergencies, surgeries, illnesses, and death. Bad news after bad news. She realized her life was not "blessed" anymore in the manner she thought she understood being "blessed".

During this time she gave in to her emotions as they seemed to be her reality. She started reevaluating everything she had believed, having a crisis of faith over and over again.

She got on and off antidepressants.

In the beginning, she would get long periods of respite where she thought she had it all back under control and was living peacefully again, "blessed" again. Then something else would happen, and over time, she would get glimpses of what she perceived to be the end of the quest only to be driven back when shaken. Every time she thought she got her beliefs sorted out, something else would happen to her, to someone else, or just in the world in general that caused another emotional upset and the questioning would start all over.

She spent hours praying and searching the Bible for answers, listening to podcasts on every conceivable spiritual subject, questioning and being mad and distrustful of God. She looked outside her faith at times, querying those who were not "believers", and imagined what it would be like not to live under or have to abide by, what she perceived as, "all the rules", really just asking the question, "What's' the point?".

During the most intense crying binges and moments of despair, her emotions convinced her that she truly wanted to end things (even though she didn't think she would ever have the guts to actually do anything about it). She played with the idea, got comfortable with the thoughts, considered what her kid's lives might be without her.

The thoughts of the kids struggling because of her actions were probably the best deterrent.

She got counseling, she read books, she listened to more unsolicited advice than she ever asked for or wanted. She wasn't asking for anyone to fix her, but she knew she didn't want to experience this anymore, this wallowing in self pity, begging for relief, constantly considering an escape.

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Off to her right in her peripheral vision, He sits in darkness surrounded by a red glow. She can't see His face, and she doesn't want to. Vaguely she senses His throne; His feet and robes shadowed in a black and red haze. These are not the colors she would have associated with Him, but they are the colors He is using to reveal Himself to her now. Every now and then she wonders if she should turn and try to look at Him, seek His face, but she can't bring herself to give up what she currently has which feels like the shelter of anonymity.

She just couldn't live the way she was living anymore  - without joy, always anxious, relentlessly questioning, miserable. Something had to give. She needed to choose between going all in or just walking away, and since walking away would entail continuing the exhausting search for something unknown, she chose what has now become the path of least resistance; she's just too tired to search anymore. She has made what she hopes to be, a life changing decision. She has decided she is not going to question or fight anymore. She threw in the proverbial towel and surrendered her soul again to this Person sitting in a fog on a throne whom she realizes now she doesn't know very well after all. Her ideas about being "blessed" and assumptions about His role in her life will need to be redefined.

He has given her a strange tool to deal with the emotions that attack her periodically, the emotions that flare up when something goes wrong, or someone says something that sort of pricks her ears and offends her, or when random questioning thoughts pop up in her mind for no reason.

This tool might be considered more in line with an image. When these annoying things occur, she immediately, if she is paying attention, pushes them to the right of her vision at the feet of this Person on the throne. These things appeared as boxes. But as she kept pushing them to her side, she could sense them stacking up higher and higher. She began to fear they might eventually come tumbling down on top of her, burying her with a renewed sense of despair.

During one of these fearful visions of being buried by things that she was trying to overcome, a dark small hole formed in the ground and the boxes began dropping one by one into the hole until they disappeared. The relief that accompanied this minor revision to the image was huge, and over time this small hole became a chasm that was large enough to swallow all of her problems.

She wondered at one point why this image was off to the side instead of in front of her. But as she looked ahead and didn't focus on her peripheral vision, she realized that the path in front of her was wide and open, light blue with sunshine overhead, a rainbowy peaceful aura hovering in the distance. She could freely advance forward without the sight of the burdens or chasm in her way.

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The night feels unusually dark and quiet. Awake and unable to sleep, she lies alone on the couch in the living room. Creeping out of the corners of her mind, the old emotions and thoughts try to revisit. Her mind is instantly on alert, fearful they are going to overwhelm her. She begins to struggle with them, fighting to keep the vision alive which she was given to deal with these types of attacks.

The emotions evolve into a large steel heavy mass in front of her. She can't move it! She pushes with all her might trying to shove it into the chasm. Finally, in desperation, she cries out for help!

All of a sudden the mass changes form and becomes round like a wrecking ball. Although remaining steel and heavy, if she really puts her shoulder and body into it, she can get it to budge. It gradually starts moving and rolling towards the large hole. The movement is loud and grating, but she finally pushes it in!

As it falls, she realizes the colors around the throne have changed from the eerie black and red to a bland beige. The haze is gone; shapes are sharper. While she still refrains from looking into His face, she senses that He is not as hidden as before...

I Don't Want to Heal

Imposter.
I don't know who I am right now.
Am I just going through the motions of healing, or am I really healing?
And healing from what?
Healing from the fact that I don't want to follow the rules all the time?

This life is too long.
I still occasionally feel trapped.
I still occasionally feel like running.
I've lost privacy and time to be alone for sure.
Going through the motions.

I'm definitely trying to do what those who counsel me are telling me to do.
And I'm good at it too, I think.
My family seems happy when I appear happy.
And I think I'm happy at times.
Especially when I'm busy.

But I can't tell if it's working.
I still feel a sense of loss.
It creeps up now and then.
I don't even know that I've lost anything really.
Just feel like I did.

Can I constantly stay busy so that I never have time for reflective internal thoughts?
That's probably the safest thing for me.
Stay distracted so that I don't have time to think about what I want, or what I feel.
I want to go on a Sabbatical.
I just want a break.

Some time off.
I want to hide out in a cabin alone in the woods.
I want to hide in a closet like I did as a kid.
Or under my bed.
It was safe in those places.

No one could see me.
I could be alone with my thoughts.
I could be sad and cry if I wanted to, and no one would be around questioning why.
I don't want to have to give a status report of how I feel emotionally, physically or spiritually. Because if I were truthful, it would cause disappointment.

And I don't like to disappoint.
It's a daily test of my will power not to disappoint.
I'm a mess.
Sorry family.

Jealous For Me

I don't understand why I fight back and resist except to think that my heart and mind are so tormented that they would prefer to stay that way. God has been pursuing me vigorously this past month through my husband, pastor, family, and friends. They keep pursuing, loving, pleading. And yet I still keep pushing back, running and hiding.

One of my favorite songs is "How He Loves", especially the Kim Walker version:

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions
Eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

I used to think it was just the way the song builds, the increase of emotion and volume. Then one day I tuned in to the words "afflictions eclipsed by glory", and I thought THAT'S what it was. My deep desire to not feel and dwell in my afflictions - to have them ECLIPSED, to not see them, to rise above them, to have them hidden from me. It doesn't mean they are necessarily gone, but they would be shielded or blocked out by my recognition of God's glory. How I wanted to experience this, and still do.

And now I have experienced another dimension to the song. The words "He is jealous for me". That is what I have felt overwhelmingly this week as everyone seems intent and relentless in their attempt to rescue me from myself. But I don't know if I want to be rescued. That's the battle in my mind right now. I am so loved that God feels I'm worth pursuing, yet I'm so selfish, I still want to run.

loves like a hurricane, I am a tree Bending beneath the weight of His wind

Part of the reason for wanting to hide is that I was called out on the sin in my mind and eventually felt compelled to confess and be honest about some of my yuckiest secrets to the one person it would hurt the most. 'The weight of His wind' was the most horrible experience ever. I've never felt such pain and embarrassment, yet at the time I experienced a glimpse of the elusive freedom. The weird relief from being allowed to vomit it up - damn the consequences. And I expected the worst consequences. But instead I was extended a deluge of grace, mercy and forgiveness - from a human - who is also jealous for me.

Bending beneath the weight of His...mercy

And we are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

He Loves Us 

So why does regret almost seem to be setting in? How could I have let my wall down after all these years and admitted this stuff? Was I "drawn to redemption" and am I sinking in "an ocean of grace"? I feel out of breath from the overturning of my life this week. The painful honesty and confessions that have been asked of me, and are still being asked of me. I feel under the microscope. I feel like a bug. I want to crawl back into the hole.

For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24

Lord, I am a spoiled child wanting my own way. But I don't know if I want to change. I'm scared to ask you to help me because it might hurt. 

Emotions vs. Reality

I hate my sad, angry, fearful emotions. They deceive me and testify against me. My circumstances are not even a factor when they decide to erupt. They play upon my weaknesses, my mind, my heart.

What I felt yesterday was genuine. And real. Yet not real. Sometimes I wonder what reality is.

The Raging Battle

So here I am again. Full circle of emotions.

I often wonder if my life from the outside looks relatively perfect. I have the perfect husband, provider, always attentive, always trying to meet my needs, an awesome father to my children. I have wonderful children, on their way to independence, believing that there are no limits to doing what they want to do, faith in the good in this world, trusting God. My youngest child, while engulfed in multiple disabilities, is loved, cared for, supported by family, friends, and strangers, and appears content and happy. I have a life I believe people might envy.

Yet.

My heart and mind rage a battle against me. I'm currently tormented by feelings of suffocation, being controlled by others, wanting to run, wanting out. Conforming to rules, the resentment, the fear of losing what I have vs. the desire to chuck it all. The freedom I long for seems out of my reach again. My soul screams while I smile and go through the motions, afraid of hurting my family or friends if I accidentally give myself away by a look or an action unfiltered.

I miss lightheartedness. I miss happiness. I miss joy. I've had them at times which is why I can miss them, they seem forever fleeting, always teasing me that I have found them again, only to disappear into the night. I feel guilt when my beautiful family surrounds me with all the good they have to offer, and I want to run away to breathe. I don't understand my thoughts, why they take me to dark places. I hurt, but I don't want to inflict hurt, and yet I do anyway, because I hurt and can't explain it or lay blame. So others assume the blame. And then they hurt.

I feel life is a cruel joke sometimes. I've prayed. I've yearned. I've longed for. I don't understand the will power people have to keep going when faced with adversity. It is not my nature. I hide. I cry. I flee. I want escape.

So the battle rages. Because I won't leave. I won't run. I won't ditch security. I have always clung to logic and reason in the end. But my stomach will churn. My head will ache. My body will feel restrictions. My smile will be forced.

Until the next stalemate. The lull in the battle. When my soul has rest.

Hear my prayer, Lord;
    let my cry for help come to you.
Do not hide your face from me
    when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
    when I call, answer me quickly.

Psalm 102:1-2

Epic Fails

What do you do when you can't seem to get anything right the first time anymore? I feel like I'm having too many FAILS these days and keep having to go back and redo and correct things. I thrive on being successful at things. I won't usually attempt if I think I might fail. And now the things I'm normally confident in doing are failing. Nothing is within my control. What's wrong with me?

Elusive Freedom

What do you do when you look around and see other people living out what you thought you would be doing by now?

What do you do when you realize you might not be as interesting or talented as you once thought?

What do you do when you keep thinking eventually things are going to change and they never do?

How can you feel alone when you are surrounded by family and friends?

I have no idea.
I'm feeling very unsuccessful today.
I feel lost. And sad. And alone.
And uninspiring. I think I once wanted to be inspiring.
I don't know what I want anymore.
Maybe nothing.

What would happen if I didn't pursue or yearn for anything?

Would that be the elusive freedom?

Overwhelmed With Information

Beginning around the first of October, I began to notice that I felt very calm about things. I wasn't as emotional and it all felt very peaceful.  I don't seem to feel the need to blog when nothing is churning in my mind.

But now all the old feelings seem to be creeping back up on me. I'm so overwhelmed with information and tasks to do for the baby. I come across new things constantly on the special needs forums of things to try that work for others. I have advice and suggestions given to me by therapists and friends.

How can I possibly learn about and try every little thing that others suggest? How do I pick through them? Do I try everything? Do I try a few but risk missing something? How do I know what supplements to try and how do i get them all into him as well as what little food I'm getting in?  How do I know what therapies are working? How do I know when to throw caution to the wind and spend the money to get alternative therapy that sounds promising? How do I weight that with my other kid's needs? How do I fill out all the forms for potential reimbursement?

I just want to give up!  It's just too much!  And now all I want to do is cry.  I keep feeling like I'm living some else's life or one day I'll wake up and find it was a bad dream...

Tired of Me

Selfish life. Selfish thoughts. Story of me.

I get on here to unload all the awful thoughts going through my head, and then I just end up sitting here feeling guilty and unable to confess them.  It's too embarrassing. The things that go through my head.  The things I know I should be believing and thinking vs. the things I actually think.  I wake up everyday day praying for a new outlook, praying and expecting healing and progress - for my thoughts and the baby.  But it doesn't take two minutes of just listening to the things around me, specifically when the baby is struggling, to bring me back to "earth".  I am starting to hate earth.  I must be one of the weakest humans because it's too hard for me.  I'm tired of crying everyday. I'm tired of sickness and disabilities.  I'm tired of therapists and doctors.  I'm tired of other people's pity.  I'm tired of me.

I'm tired of when I'm in the midst of my pity party, the baby will laugh at something and make me feel even more guilty.

Spring Winds

It looks beautiful outside, but I can see the trees bending a bit from the breeze. And actually I am just noticing that they are bending the opposite way than they usually go. And the clouds are moving right to left instead of left to right.  Weird.  Or maybe I have just never noticed that the wind doesn't always blow in the same direction in Spring.

My day to day life is like the Spring winds.  Sometimes an easy gentle breeze from the southeast and other times a blistery blast from the northwest.  I'm getting tired of living in Spring.  I want Summer.

Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying, "God has lost track of me.    He doesn't care what happens to me"? Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind.

Isaiah 40:27-31 The Message (MSG)

Lord Jesus, I need. 

Grudgingly Grateful

Problem solver and short-term project person. These are two ways I have often described myself, and both have a big part to play in my ability to feel successful.  But this baby is not letting me be either of those people.  He certainly is not going to be a short-term project, and he is definitely challenging my confidence in my problem solving skills.

I can't fix him. I CAN'T FIX HIM! I haven't even been able lately to fix the little things like figuring out what's wrong when he is fussy and being able to provide relief for him.  I am a failure. And although I've been fortunate that he is normally an easy fix and very laid back, these few occurrences hurt my heart and mind. A lot.

But how can I complain? I've read blogs of other moms enduring much worse than what I have so far. So I guess I have to be grudgingly grateful. I will have to expect that he WILL find relief at some point. (And that maybe I will be able to successfully check it off my "needing to be fixed" list?)