Jealous For Me

I don't understand why I fight back and resist except to think that my heart and mind are so tormented that they would prefer to stay that way. God has been pursuing me vigorously this past month through my husband, pastor, family, and friends. They keep pursuing, loving, pleading. And yet I still keep pushing back, running and hiding.

One of my favorite songs is "How He Loves", especially the Kim Walker version:

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions
Eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

I used to think it was just the way the song builds, the increase of emotion and volume. Then one day I tuned in to the words "afflictions eclipsed by glory", and I thought THAT'S what it was. My deep desire to not feel and dwell in my afflictions - to have them ECLIPSED, to not see them, to rise above them, to have them hidden from me. It doesn't mean they are necessarily gone, but they would be shielded or blocked out by my recognition of God's glory. How I wanted to experience this, and still do.

And now I have experienced another dimension to the song. The words "He is jealous for me". That is what I have felt overwhelmingly this week as everyone seems intent and relentless in their attempt to rescue me from myself. But I don't know if I want to be rescued. That's the battle in my mind right now. I am so loved that God feels I'm worth pursuing, yet I'm so selfish, I still want to run.

loves like a hurricane, I am a tree Bending beneath the weight of His wind

Part of the reason for wanting to hide is that I was called out on the sin in my mind and eventually felt compelled to confess and be honest about some of my yuckiest secrets to the one person it would hurt the most. 'The weight of His wind' was the most horrible experience ever. I've never felt such pain and embarrassment, yet at the time I experienced a glimpse of the elusive freedom. The weird relief from being allowed to vomit it up - damn the consequences. And I expected the worst consequences. But instead I was extended a deluge of grace, mercy and forgiveness - from a human - who is also jealous for me.

Bending beneath the weight of His...mercy

And we are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

He Loves Us 

So why does regret almost seem to be setting in? How could I have let my wall down after all these years and admitted this stuff? Was I "drawn to redemption" and am I sinking in "an ocean of grace"? I feel out of breath from the overturning of my life this week. The painful honesty and confessions that have been asked of me, and are still being asked of me. I feel under the microscope. I feel like a bug. I want to crawl back into the hole.

For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24

Lord, I am a spoiled child wanting my own way. But I don't know if I want to change. I'm scared to ask you to help me because it might hurt. 

Sorrow and Suffering

"...God knows in great detail the devastation caused by tragedy. He understands the pain and sorrow acquainted with grief and loss. He understands because He is all knowing. Furthermore, Jesus endured suffering (see Isaiah 53), and experienced pain, even the pain of feeling abandoned (see Matthew 27:46). And because God is with you always, He knows that you are hurting. He sees your pain, and hears the cries of your heart. You are not alone in your suffering; He is there for you..."
(God Has Not Forgotten You A 31 Day Devotional)

In response to a prayer request on my little boy's FB page, a friend wrote "May The Lord heal him in His time, and may you remember the suffering he does on behalf of those souls in need."

I am pondering what "the suffering he does on behalf of those souls in need" means.  It may just refer to a Catholic belief regarding purgatory that I don't understand, or it may refer to the fact that in the midst of his suffering, God will use his story to bring others to Himself?

Hmm. I'm not sure I'm unselfish enough or love others enough to take comfort that his suffering could aid another soul.

Mulling

I always have stuff that I am mulling around in my head. This is just another one of those topics that I have been thinking about for quite some time now (let's say around two years).

I think because we cannot always answer hard questions like "Why did this happen to me?", Christians have come up with benign cliches, perhaps taken from scripture out of context, that we say to each other in an attempt to explain away the tragedy, sickness, and loss we may still experience even after we have accepted Christ's redemption for us on the cross.

"God has a reason for this..."

"God chose you to be a "special" mom..."

"God will only give us as much as we can handle..."

But I don't believe these statements are benign at all. In fact they give the impression that God causes tragedy, sickness, and loss for our good or so we will grow closer to him. It seems Christians accept and almost embrace the ick that happens to us as a blessing rather than a curse. But we know the difference between blessings and curses because many are listed in Deuteronomy 28.

So I don't know if tragedy, sickness, and loss are from God to teach us a lesson. Maybe they were under the Old Covenant - before Jesus, but we are under the New Covenant - and Christ redeemed us from the curse. Maybe God might allow things to happen and will bring about good for His own through them, but I don't know if He causes them to happen. I wonder if its all just a result of living in a fallen world, results of our own actions, or maybe Satan asked God permission to sift us like wheat. I wonder if we should hate these things and draw on the power of the Holy Spirit given to us by Jesus to rebuke/resist these things while in the midst of turning to Him for healing and restoration.

Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a pole.” He redeemed us in order that the blessing given to Abraham might come to the Gentiles through Christ Jesus, so that by faith we might receive the promise of the Spirit. Galatians 3:13-14

Just thinking out loud...

Hope

Now see, so far today I feel like I'm on the downhill side of a lot of these ugly feelings. Like things are going to get better.  Is it the sun shining outside that causes this? Did I eat differently yesterday? Did the baby not puke today (actually he did, but not very much)? In my half-assed attempt to stand on the Word and trust God, did something finally click with me?  Did I get an extra dose of peace this morning b/c God feels sorry for me?

Is this hope?

Peace

I have virtually nothing in my head to unload right now. Nothing majorly traumatic has happened in the last few days, nothing that has gotten my emotions in an uproar.

Is this what peace is?

Rainbows and Lollipops

Sometimes I wonder how God could even want me on His team.  I am constantly questioning. So much that I often wonder how much I am actually hurting the team.  Perhaps if I stood on His Word a little bit better, believed and trusted more, I could have a better testimony or witness for team Jesus.  But I'm afraid I come across, especially in my expressing what's going on in my mind on my little blog here, as a bench warmer at best.

But I don't want to pretend. I'm always suspicious of Christians whose testimony seems to be all rainbows and lollipops. I wonder if I can ever get to that point of MY testimony being rainbows and lollipops.

I used to think it kinda was, but then things happened that totally threw me for a loop. And I question. Does living like that exist or are they not showing their true colors?  Is being a good team player mean hiding the questions and doubts and struggles you have in order to be a "good witness"?  Only talking about the good stuff?  Am I hurting the team and turning people away from team Jesus by admitting that I still can't seem to play the game right?

And don't think I don't know the rules to the game. I know it's about His Word.  I KNOW!

Victory. Victory in Jesus.  Is it possible?

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Heb 4:14-16 (NIV)

Lord Jesus, I want to know and live victory.

Me, Myself and I

I swear sometimes I have multiple personalities.  There are days where I experience inexpressible joy and deep gratitude - I feel hopeful.  Then there are days where I feel like I've never experienced anything but sadness and grief - I feel hopeless.  And unfortunately these emotions seem to be tied very closely to my current circumstances.

You'd think after 40 years, 34 years spent as a born-again Christian (with all the Biblical training that comes with that), that I would be beyond riding the roller coaster of my day to day emotions.  Why can't I seem to transfer all of that head knowledge of the Bible into a heart knowledge?

Please God, help me "get" your Word.  Understand it.  Apply it.  Live it.  I'm so tired of it being all about Me, Myself and I.  Help me lay my crap at your feet.  Help me take on your easy yoke.  Help me understand what that even means!  It seem like just words to say.

Another Crisis of Faith

Sometimes I feel like everyday is a "crisis of faith".  What exactly do I believe about God in the midst of things not being easy and seemingly going very wrong.  Today I feel like I need to investigate "what does God is in control mean?" in the context of "if all things good are from God, and if He is a good God, then how come he doesn't seem to prevent bad things from happening?"

One article, Is God in Control? says,

Some sincere and well-meaning Christians would tell us that we must trust that God’s “ways are higher than our ways” (a verse usually taken grossly out of its context in Isaiah 55:7-11); that “all things work together for good” (a very poor KJV translation of Romans 8:28—the NIV is accurate and thus far more satisfying in terms of reality); that we must “take it on faith,” etc. Whoa—take what on faith? Biblically, “faith” is trust in an understandable promise. 

I wonder if his opinion is correct? I'm so sick of Christian phrases like "God has a reason for this" when applied to why crappy things happen to people.  I'm having a hard time understanding God's plan and calling Him good who would allow bad things to happen if He could prevent them.  I thought one of the results of "the Fall" is that we now know good from evil.  So I have a hard time calling something that is clearly evil, good and attributing it to God and that He did it for a reason.  Maybe I just don't understand theology very well.  And anytime I try to, I get overwhelmed with all the different opinions and interpretations out there.  But the problem is, right now, I feel like I need an answer. I need to know. Is this even possible?

Ugh. Sometimes I have too much time to think.