The Migraine

3:30 am - Her eyes pop open. She briefly wonders why until it hit her, the pain seering behind her eyes and across her forehead, as if a cold steel knife is separating her skin from her skull. Blinding, yet so strong, it hurt to close her eyes.

She knew better than to just lay there. She turned on the light, an evil bulb of yellow brightness. And through sheer will power, she eased out of bed, trying not to jostle her head. The dogs on the floor beneath her both jump up thinking it is time to go out.

She makes her way to the kitchen, turning on yet another set of torturous lights. Squinting, she finds the medication she needs, chokes it down, and makes her way back to bed.

Upon lying down, she realizes her mistake. She needs an ice pack to distract herself from the pain and the nausea from the medication. So again, she stumbles to the kitchen, not bothering with lights this time. But even the tiny bulb in the freezer sends her hand flying to her face in an effort to block it out. Frustratingly, she shoves frozen meats around until she finally finds an ice pack.

Back in bed the coolness brings swift relief as she maneuvers it around her face, head and neck, never leaving it too long in one spot lest numbness sets in and distraction from the pain lessens.

5:00 am - She glances at the clock.  The medication has finally kicked in and the pain is diminishing.  Sleep returns.

Musings on Christianity

Right now I'm reading the second volume of "The Story of Christianity" by Justo L. Gonzalez, a historical theologian…not sure what denomination, schooled at the United Seminary in Cuba and at Yale.  Anyway, I read the first volume this past November and December.  It’s at least giving me what I think is the big picture of how the Christian church has come about since the time of Christ.  (I have desired to figure that out for a while now, trying to understand why there are different denominations, why Catholic and Protestant, etc. in the first place).  I think it seems fairly unbiased in the way it presents both the Catholic and later the Protestant evolutions (however, whether everything is accurate from the perspectives of both C’ and P’s, I don't know).

I have learned that from the very beginning (well, even by studying Acts I saw this) that there have always been disagreements and divisions.  It certainly has been a bit overwhelming to realize how much people, especially since the time of Constantine, have used the state to force Christianity (whether C or P) on others, or how people have used Christianity as a means of prestige and power in the state…and how many wars, persecution, hatred and death have come from all that…when Jesus’ primary commands were to love God and love others.  It breaks my heart to start to understand this.  I just never realized what a violent history Christians have, and yet we try to preach love and forgiveness, mercy and respect.  No wonder it can be confusing to anyone who considers themselves intellectuals or have an understanding of this history to not see Christianity as hypocrytical.

I was never interested in history in school, and when I did have to study history, it never seemed to be in the context of Christianity – which I would have been interested in.  With that said, I am rather overwhelmed that Christianity in any form or denomination has actually survived to still be around today.  I can only attribute that to the fact that the power of the Holy Spirit is greater than whatever power man thinks he has over things…and that the Holy Spirit living in me affirms that Jesus is the truth.

"Do You Have a Headache?"

Have you ever woken up in a relatively calm, peaceful mood (i.e. tired because you stayed up too late), and maybe you made a comment to someone (i.e. your husband) that you were enjoying the sounds of the birds outside (because you were still waking up) when someone (i.e. your husband) tried to turn on the radio, and because of the benign comment, someone (i.e. your husband) says in a sarcastically (your opinion) concerned way, “Do you have a headache?” and “Are you in a bad mood?” and “How late did you stay up?”, and somehow those comments (you can’t imagine why), put you in a bad mood?

Can You Say Gross?

I went outside today to spend some time with the dogs and play fetch. As soon as I let them out, our four year old large white Golden went directly to a small retaining wall of boulders next to our house and started sniffing around in the crevices.

I figured he smelled some kind of critter that had been or was still hiding in one of the holes. So I kept saying in my high little, talk to the puppy voice "What is it, puppy...get it, puppy...what did you find puppy?" And he was so excited that I was playing the game so he kept running to me and running back to the holes.

So eventually, I'm thinking "OK, Lassie...your trying to show me something." So went over to see if I could see what he had found. I was then thinking he had lost some kind of nasty toy in one of the cracks. But I couldn't see anything (and there's no way I'm sticking my hand where I can't see!)

So I went back to playing fetch with the Golden and our 4 year old German Shepherd with the rubber frisbee. I would say "Bring me the toy." And usually the Shepherd was first to chase it down and bring it back to me, and then I say, "Drop it." And he puts it at my feet. The Golden never seems to have a chance. The poor thing usually makes it there in time, but he just can't seem to be quick enough to grab it first.

So this is going on and the Golden leaves the game for a second to go back to the holes. The next thing I know, I'm clapping and saying "Bring me the toy!" and the Shepherd drops the frisbee next to me and the Golden drops a dead bird.

Honesty in Prayer

My 7 year old son and I were praying before bed the other night. I usually start and then he will interject something as it comes to him. So just before I wrapped it up, he pipes up and says, "...and thank you God that I can read now...it really changed my life!"

I had to stop right there and ask him what he meant by "it changed his life"...I mean, this could be really deep!

He looks at me sincerely and says, "Because now I can play xbox by myself. I don't need [my 9 year old brother] there to read things to me!"

Oh well, at least he's open and honest with his God.

A Glimpse Into My Journey

I often wonder why I am here, what my mission in life is.

After DH graduated from school, we planned on him getting a job in the southern state where the rest of our family was already living. But after sending out resumes to firms in the south, DH felt impressed that maybe he should investigate firms in his hometown in the northwest. Together, after much praying and asking for signs (of course, we asked for signs...or at least I did...I mean, come on, the northwest?), we decided to "step out in faith" and follow what we felt like was God's leading.  And we still feel like God lead us there.

However...

Since I grew up in the Bible-belt and had a Southern Baptist evangelical background for 27 or so years, I just figured this was some kind of mission trip. Of course, since I knew all the "right" answers, the do's and don'ts, how to pray, how to lead worship and sing in choir, how to read and "study" the Bible, then I was probably being sent up there to the northwest for God to use me in some way to minister for Him.

So we got involved in a small Baptist church as soon as we arrived. There aren't many Baptist churches in the northwest so I thought, ah-ha, there was my mission, to help grow a little church. I sang in the choir, then I sang with the praise team, I lead vacation bible school music, I played the piano and led the praise team for almost a year, I put my two cents into numerous Bible studies and Sunday schools, I taught preschool Sunday school...heck, I was busy for God...I was doing "His Will".  And I felt ok about everything, but not real excited about any of it. I'm a Christian, so I'm obligated to serve in the church, and if I don't enjoy it, then that is my cross to bear, right? But then...

Some friends of ours gave us the opportunity to help start a church. It was going to be a non-denominational church with the purpose of reaching out to the un-churched. So I figured, ah-ha, this must be where it has all been leading. God wants us to help lead and finance a new church that will really make a difference in people. That must be the "mission" and reason why we are here in the northwest.

So, again, I sang with the praise team, I led Bible studies, I taught children's Sunday school, I brought food to potlucks, etc. But none of it seemed fulfilling. I thought, if I were doing "God's Will", shouldn't I at least enjoy it, shouldn't I kinda look forward and not dread it, shouldn't I at least have some kind of contentment?

So we left the church. And we church hopped. Soon, we decided we just needed to find a church where they would be scripturally fed and take a break from all the "serving".

We tried the Episcopal church that DH's grandpa attended. It was great for a transition time. Our kids liked the church school, and they enjoyed getting to go to church with another family member and getting to take communion every Sunday, but we didn't feel like they were getting spiritually fed at this particular church.

Then we tried a Catholic church (our kids go to a Catholic school, and I was already attending a scripture study at one of the Catholic churches). We liked it ok there too. I knew people, the homilies (sermons) were fine, but, in the end, we didn't feel like it was the place for us at this time either.

So we tried some other churches and finally found a little church located within a small neighborhood. It was a four square church which we had no idea what that was (we had to google it, and, fortunately, nothing seemed too foreign about it). But for about 2-3 months, I cried every Sunday through the whole service.  It got to the point that when we arrived, I just automatically grabbed a handful of tissues from the back. The pastor was talking to us. And it was like God was talking to us.  Finally, I was looking forward to attending church again. And I didn't know anyone. And I didn't want to know anyone. And I didn't feel compelled to get involved or do anything but just attend church and, well, cry. And God gave me rest.

And...

He revealed something to me through all this. Partly through the scripture study at the Catholic church and partly through attending this church and a subsequent women's retreat I went to with the church during the summer. God did not bring me there to the northwest to do anything for Him.  He brought me there to show me what He wants to do for me. He wants to give me freedom, rest, peace, contentment, love, fearlessness, joy. And, huh...who would of thought, once I decided to just sit back and receive it, I wanted to give too.

But it was with a different perspective. It was not what I could do for Him, or what I felt obligated to do because I'm a "Christian", or what I thought people expected me to do. But it was more about paying attention to what I was receiving from Him through any service or actions. Recognizing that He's the giver.

I realize I'm moving more and more outside my little Southern Baptist box, and I hope with God's grace that I can continue to see the bigger picture from His perspective. I want to see the "church" as the body of Christ that it is, not the little divisions of hands here and feet over there that we humans have made it.

And the journey goes on...

A Church Report

Yesterday, DH dropped off Jonathan (7) for Sunday School. DH said there were three little girls already there who, when they saw him, all said "Yay, Jonathan is here! He makes us laugh!"

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Michael (9) attended "big church" with us instead of going to his Sunday School class. During the sermon the pastor asked a rhetorical question and Michael answered it out loud. We were sitting on the back row and the pastor heard him and mentioned it. Everyone giggled. I should not have been surprised that Michael was not embarrassed and seemed to enjoy the attention.

My Son's Self-reported Health Status

I got a call to pick up my seven year old son at school today because he had a fever. On the way home, I asked him about his symptoms. He said, "I have a weak eye and 100% temperature."

(The school had told me he had a weeping eye and a temperature of 100 degrees.)

I Took a Tumble

Last Saturday we drove to a local ski mountain to ski. I've been tired of taking the same old trails down the mountain and wanted to check out a different trail on the back side.

The silly sign said it was blue, but it was a lot harder that the other blues we'd been on all day. So since it was my big idea, I felt like I had to take the initiative and lead the way down the mountain.

We were all doing great with the kids only falling a couple of times until the very bottom where it was about to flatten out. Who put those darn trenches right across the trail! All I knew is that one minute I was skiing fast and a little out of control (which is normal for me-the out of control part), and the next minute I tumbled head over heels and landed on my back with my feet in the air (ok, all you people with your mind in the gutters...no comments about that); I don't know how my skis stayed on.

I turned around quickly and waved so my family didn't think I was hurt, and I see my seven year old son come cruising down the hill towards me. As he get close, he says "Mom! Are you ok? That looked DEVESTATING!"

I was so proud of his big vocabulary word I almost forgot the pain.

Instant Coffee and Migraine Prevention

I just thought I'd do a quick report on my migraine situation. I usually got a migraine headache at least 2-3 times a week, sometimes almost everyday. I had pinpointed many different kinds of triggers, but could never stay away from all of them consistently. And I would either wake up with one or develop one by 2:00 - 3:00. I usually took Exedrin like my dad as soon as I got the sensation that one was coming on.

Early this year, I went to an internist for a high heart rate, and as an aside right before I left, mentioned my headaches. So to make a long story short, after trying a couple of things, I ended up on Lexapro (an antidepressant) based upon my past history with depression (treated with Zoloft - stayed on for about 5 years, but finally got off) and the fact that sometimes depression and migraines are related. I don't remember being aware of whether or not I had fewer migraines while on Zoloft or not, but I went down to having maybe 1-2 a week/every two weeks with the Lexapro.

But then DH had bought some instant coffee to make these instant lattes like my dad makes. And one day I decided to throw a small teaspoon full in my instant breakfast drink. I think I did it to see if it helped with my energy level. And it did. So I started doing it everyday. But I also noticed/realized that I couldn't remember the last time I had a headache. So I think it must be preventing them for the most part. So now I do it for that reason. It also works without the instant breakfast which just a cup of skim milk, a teaspoon of instant coffee, and a sweet and low (which I drink cold like my instant breakfast). I drink that if I'm having real food for breakfast. Now the only thing that I can think of is that I am not a regular coffee drinker. I don't really like hot drinks, or really the taste of coffee unless I put a bunch of sugar or cream in it, and I'm out with the girls for breakfast. So maybe it works b/c I usually just have that one teaspoon a day.

I am curious if it would work for other people. I tried to do an internet search and found a couple of mentions of people doing instant coffee shots for migraine prevention. But that sounds terribly untasty. Is untasty a word?

Mundane Ramblings

I've been trying to exercise 5 or so days a week now. Last year I did about 2 or 3, but that wasn't enough. So this morning I went to the Y again, and now I am sitting here all sweaty typing on the computer. Gross, huh? So has anyone read "Younger Next Year"? It's aimed towards people coming up to, or in, retirement age, but we figured it doesn't hurt to get a jump on things. Anyway, it's what is motivating us right now. Besides the fact that DH doesn't want to follow in his dad's footsteps and die young.

Outside, we are socked in with some kind of "inversion" thing. Basically, the cold is held in, but it is also damp like we are in a cloud/fog. Seems colder than when it is dry. We saw the sun here in the valley for a bit yesterday, and I hear if you get up the mountain a bit, you will be above the fog/cloud and see blue skies.

My dogs are quiet right now. I suppose someday I will need to post a picture of them. They are quite cute if not somewhat annoying at times.

It's so quiet here, I actually heard the heater come on. Really, I should go shower and get something done.

As I mentioned in my facebook status, I'm in the process of organizing and decluttering. I never can do it right. You are supposed to do little baby step and maybe one room at a time or whatever. But I always start in one room, but one thing leads to another and I've got the whole house turned upside down. Then it is overwhelming and I get burned out. So "focus, focus, focus". I say that to my kids all the time to. I wonder where they get the gene for being easily distracted?

The kids are just fun these days. I have separated their rooms (which, of course, currently look like tornadoes hit while we are sorting through everything). DS(7) is quite proud of himself that he has slept in a room by himself for 3 days now. And while DH(9) was looking forward to getting his own room, he is actually the one mourning the loss of having a companion in the room at night.

Ok, I know. Go take a shower...I am freezing here in the basement with this layer of moisture on me. The aforementioned heater, does not do justice in the basement.

Laughing Until It Hurts

I love belly laughing. I love laughing until I cry. I love laughing until I can't breathe. I love laughing until I have to pee. It's the best feeling in the world. (Ok, how could crying, not breathing, and needing to pee be the best feelings in the world?) Whatever it is, it makes my mind and body happy.

I was thinking this morning how fortunate I am that my kids truly laugh at things. Silly things like Sponge Bob or Chris Farley. They could be in the living room or basement while I'm in the kitchen, but when I hear them spontaneously laughing at something, I can't help but laugh out loud myself.

I wish people and things were funny all day.

Milk and Cookies

My munchkins were in the kitchen last night as I was sitting on the couch in the living room. I can't see the kitchen from my couch, but I could hear the microwave hum and then the refrigerator door open and close.

Then I heard the seven year old say to the nine year old, "Michael, I love you...you're the best brother...". I turned around and realized Michael had heated a homeade chocolate chip cookie (cookies that he had made the night before) and poured a glass of milk for his little bro.

It was enough to make me wonder who those kids were and what they did with mine.

I'm Back on Top

It's so quiet right now, I can hear my dogs swallowing while they sleep. Kinda gross...

Everyone is in bed early tonight except me. It's only 9:30 pm. I've spent way too much time on Facebook today. Thanks alot CDJ. Now I'm hooked. There is way too much to play with. (BTW, I've started looking at your Friends and Family list to see how far down I am. It sorts itself by how long ago your people have posted, you know. Well, if I get to far down the list, my competitive nature compels me to blog whether I have anything to say or not just to get back towards the top.)

Anyway, before I became consumed with this new time-eater-upper, I helped the 9 year old finish up his book report poster whatever thingy. It looks pretty good...like a 9 year old did it with his mom standing over him.

Well got to get back to the new hobby. It probably won't last long. Nothing for me ever does. The newness (?) always wears off and then there are just chores to do again.

Quiet Your Mind

I was reading in a 2nd hand copy of More magazine last night about sitting in silence without any technological distractions...letting your mind meander and relax. I've been doing that for a few minutes this morning. Very peaceful. All I hear are the snaps and buttons hitting the inside of the dryer and the hum of the refrigerator...and concrete trucks driving up and down as they build another house up the street.

Outside we are having another beautiful weather day. The sky is blue, the temperature will get up in the 70's. A perfect day for after school football and soccer practices.

Hope everyone is having a good week. Have some quiet time...it's good.

Friday Night and It's Alright

Isn't my title so cute...all rhymy and stuff?

It's 9:30 here and I mentioned to the husband that I wished I had some home-made (?) icecream, and guess what? The icecream maker is whirring away. Four ingredients to happy, happy, happy.

Busy day today. Got up with a headache and stuffy nose so I took 2 Excedrin, 1 Sudafed, and 1 Alevert. I'm hoping to head off whatever it is I'm heading off. After that I was good. I took the kids to school; everyone had their backbacks today, yea! I went to the Y. I didn't have quite as much energy as I would have liked, but I made it through the 33 minutes on the eliptical. I ran home at 9:00 am to shred chicken that was in the crockpot, take a shower, and then run back to school with the chicken for a teacher's appreciation lunch. Met friends for lunch at a newly opened neighborhood spot; ran home for Taekwando stuff and hockey registration. Went back to school for kid's plus kid's friends; took kid to Taek for Poomse practice; took other kid and friends to mall for snacks; picked up Taek kid and went home; got dinner ready and fed 4 kids and two adults. And now I've been sitting on my butt on the computer for a couple of hours at least.

Fox news is yammering on TV. I don't mind Fox news from time to time, but it's Friday nite for crying out loud!

At least I've got icecream coming. It's all good.

Today

I'm sitting here trying to not let myself go take a nap. I just got back from working out at the Y on the eliptical (BP 112/87 and pulse was 154 bpm when I was done) and then breakfast with friends.

I need to clean the upstairs, but hard to get motivated. I also need to put in a load of clothes, straighten the kitchen from breakfast, do filing in my office and declutter, and work on a website page. But I'm tired and a little sweaty, and I just don't feel like any of it. I pick up the kids in 2 hours. Could I get it all done before that? Probably most if I really kicked it in gear. After school the 6 year old has taekwando and hockey signup and I need to make the pork chops. Need some music on. Maybe that will get me going.

Ok, the dish network channel is called Sirius Big 80's. We'll see. I'm still sitting here. Both dogs are napping at my feet. Ugh, I don't like this song much. Next channel...ooo, here's one with a dance beat...my feet are tapping...gonna go clean a toilet, yea!

This and That

Ewww...I just had to kill a hobo spider in the basement hallway on my way to my computer. This is how I have to begin?

Anyway, it is hot here. Very un-northwest rockies hot...like 100 degrees. So I am gratefully downstairs in my cool basement on the computer...along with the hobos. Actually, I don't have another choice since DH took his laptop to North Dakota. How rude.

The kids had swimming lessons every morning this week through Thursday. And I have been busy catching up this week after our vacation. I did do a couple of loads of laundry Monday and Tuesday, but I spent the rest of those days catching up on rest. My body was beat up and tired. At the lake, I spent a lot of time entertaining Michael (9) since he did not live at the horse barn like Jonathan (6) did. This entailed running (literally) around a field catching bugs to fish with, then fishing which meant putting bugs and worms on hooks to taking fish off of hooks (none of my family were willing, not even DH - thank goodness my grandpa took me fishing as a kid and made me bait my hook and unhook my catch), watching him swim, taking him out in kayaks and fishing boats, and playing cribbage. In the midst of that, I jumped off the tower 3 times over the week, water skied once, and tried 4 times to get up on a wakeboard. From the wakeboard, I ended up with tons of bruises all over my knees and legs. The ones on my knees are just now going away. I also accompanied Jonathan (6) on two of his many horseback rides that week. And then there is all the walking and running back and forth to the room, barn, or lake to get forgotton towels, cameras, bugspray, whatever. Anyway, I took a vacation from housework when I got home.

But by Wednesday I kicked it into gear. I think I've gotten most of the laundry done and put away as well as most of the Weekly Home Blessing Hour done (Flylady). The WHBH takes more like 3 hours so I divide it up now over 3 days or so.

Thursday I got to see my nurse midwife for a "girl" checkup. I think while in the office, I ended up with a ruptured ovarian cyst again. It came on suddenly, and I left with the same intense pain in my right abdomen that I had in January. I went home, napped and took two courses of the prescription Aleve they gave me in January and the pain was pretty much gone in 24 hours. And I still got my chores done on Thursday and Friday.

Saturday morning I was going to get up early and pull weeds before it got hot. Instead I spent the morning buying replacement irrigation heads and installing them. Four were easy...just unscrew the top and screw a new one on. One I had to dig the huge thing up and replace the entire unit. I was actually sweating from my forehead, and down my back and legs. I still ended up weeding although it was after noon. I wasn't too picky. If it was big I grabbed it, if it was little, I'll get in next time.

I also finished two books this week. One of them was "The Shack" by William P. Young (Christian fiction) which I started at the lake (CDJ - I wanted to read this after you blogged about it. This book was interesting and made me think outside my little "Baptist understanding of God" box. And while part of the middle seemed to move a little slow for my taste, I really enjoyed the chapter entitled "Verbs and Other Freedoms". This chapter spoke to me where I am at this point in my journey...trying to understand what it means to be free in Christ and living in the Spirit with joy and peace vs. living according to my understanding of Biblical rules and laws I have been taught and living in fear of judgement. I also liked the example of responsibily vs. the ability to respond, and expectation vs. expectancy.)

So that's that.

June and July

Well winter finally passed and summer finally arrived (physically, spiritually and emotionally). We have had a wonderfully peaceful and playful summer.

The kids have been involved in various camps and activities. Jonathan (6) got to restart Taekwando, went to basketball camp, and was in a Children's Theater play called "Johnny Appleseed". He was an appleseed. Michael (9) went to football camp, YMCA Broken Arrow camp, YMCA golf camp, and YMCA Mission to Mars camp. Both kids were taken to the pool too many times to count as well as to parks, on hikes, and day trips to lakes by the best mom ever.

The whole family just got back from a week up at a dude ranch preceded by a quick trip to a wedding in a neighboring state where Jonathan (6) was the proud snagger and now owner of the bride's garter. (That's a lot of "..ers", CDJ. Noticed that just for you...oh, and look at all the "..allys" and "..ullys" in the first paragraph. Now that I read that in your blog, I can't get away from seeing this stuff everywhere.)

I've eaten way too much this summer. The theme song for the "Pullups" commercial keeps marching through my head ("I'm a big girl now..."). Gotta cut back, but there are no regrets. Food was good.

The kids start two weeks of swimming lessons tomorrow and then school starts the next week on August 27th. Yes, I know swimming lessons should come before all the trips to the pool and lakes, but at least they are getting them.

This summer I've started on two projects, making dinners almost every night using the E-mealz.com menu system and getting my house decluttered and cleaned using the Flylady.net system. Both have helped me overcome some (and I say some) of my poor planning and organizational skills. Baby steps, as fly lady would say...

Anyway, more later.

Merry Christmas!

It has snowed off and on today...in mid-June. We are expecting a low of 33 tonight, highs in the 40's today and tomorrow. They are forcasting 2 inches of snow on the valley floor and 5" in the foothills. We live between the two so I guess we get about 3"? I brought my pots into the garage. Thank goodness they are the only annuals I put out this year. And that was just last week.

Here's a picture from the other day off our deck: