Sunday, August 25, 2013

A Breakthrough In Group

I've decided to post this here as a reminder to myself, a sort of looking back, building an alter, and thanking God for a past deliverance. A meeting with my pastor was set up by my husband after he witnessed a day of despair in me where I spoke openly of giving up, not that I think I would ever actually do anything more drastic than talk, but apparently enough that he felt I needed more help than he could give me. This is the email I wrote my pastor several days later:
"I've been wanting to share with you something that came from our meeting. It was a very exciting "revelation" for me, if you will (or as I've been calling it "a break through in group"), and I shared it with my husband after a couple days thinking about it, also telling him I was going to email you too. I wanted to write my thoughts down to document them as well as let y'all be involved in reminding me because I know Satan will try to get me to forget and go back to my old way of thinking. However I kept putting off writing, and now I'm starting to have to fight to remember. The old voice in my mind, and unfortunately, [a family member's] voice are still strong and continue to try to convince me otherwise.
What I found so freeing (literally, in a mountain top high kind of way) came from our discussion about our personalities, and being reminded that I had always identified most with the melancholy trait. However, I had always thought of it as the negative trait (as I think society does too since it tries to medicate everyone who feels deeply), and I have wished, prayed, and tried hard to be one of the others. 
But then you pointed out that David and Moses had melancholy personality traits, and I've been mulling that over ever since (I really don't remember much else that we talked about that day). If God loved David and Moses and was able to use them despite the melancholy trait then perhaps that trait is not a curse after all. Unfortunately, I have been told and the seeds have been planted since I was a kid that "depression runs in our family" and "I pray you don't get it" and "you'll probably need antidepressants like I did" and "I hope your kids don't get this". I have believed that the deep sadness and/or angry emotions I feel over circumstances and injustices is wrong and is a sickness. But now, I believe that God is revealing to me that that is a lie (and yes, I'm almost crying as I write this b/c it saddens me so much that I have spent so much of my life listening to these curses whispered in my ear). He made me this way, and it is a blessing and a gift, not a curse. If I were to write poetry right now, Psalm 18 (specifically the Message version) would sum it up.
So there you go. You may have had a totally different direction you thought you were leading me, and there is probably more to be gleaned from future discussions, but I believe the Holy Spirit led you, whether consciously or unconsciously, to say those things to me. So, thank you."

"The hangman’s noose was tight at my throat;
    devil waters rushed over me.
Hell’s ropes cinched me tight;
    death traps barred every exit.
A hostile world! I call to God,
    I cry to God to help me.
From his palace he hears my call;
    my cry brings me right into his presence—
    a private audience!" Psalm 18:4-6 (MSG)