Saturday, May 12, 2012

A Year and a Half Later

So I guess you are wondering about the rest of the story?  I shut down the blog for a while now and have decided to revive it for therapeutic reasons.  Perhaps it will help. Or perhaps I will decide to go into hiding again.

If you read the previous post, you know that I was pregnant with a baby that was doomed by the doctors to die.

Well...that baby wanted to live. And what a story he will have to tell someday.  But for now, he goes on living (I would say "surviving", but that almost seems too desperate.  Some days it feels like all he is doing is surviving, but mostly he is living). He's beautiful. He smiles and laughs and interacts as best he can. And he is progressing.  Primarily, he has the brain malformations listed in the previous post.  There are lots of names for the multiple things "wrong", and some of the "fixes" include a shunt for hydrocephalus, g-tube for swallowing and feeding issues, orthotics and a wheel chair and stander and therapists for his physical delays.  But he is alive. And he smiles. And he seems to know who his people are.

But as for me, sometimes I feel like all I'm doing is surviving.  I know that's not true most of the time. But the times when things get tough, it sure feels like it's overwhelmingly true.

When I envisioned my life, I always saw into the future as being mellow, no risks, and easy...basically a boring and uneventful life.  I suppose no one envisions challenges, heartache, and trouble for their future.

So even though things get hard now and again, I wonder if the good really does outweigh the bad.  If memory loss will weed out the moments of crisis.  And I wonder if one day I'll be able to look back and think, "Well, at least I didn't have an uneventful or boring life." And, "My life was rich with experiences."

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