Saturday, June 23, 2012

I Can Overcome

Huh, maybe it's ok if storms come. I can just overcome them. Where have I been that this escaped from my mind!? And guess what? It's raining and storming outside right now, and my emotions are intact.
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”  Matt. 7:24-27 NIV1984
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.   Eph. 6:10-18 NIV1984

Friday, June 22, 2012

Hope

Now see, so far today I feel like I'm on the downhill side of a lot of these ugly feelings. Like things are going to get better.  Is it the sun shining outside that causes this? Did I eat differently yesterday? Did the baby not puke today (actually he did, but not very much)? In my half-assed attempt to stand on the Word and trust God, did something finally click with me?  Did I get an extra dose of peace this morning b/c God feels sorry for me?

Is this hope?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Special Needs Forums

The special needs forums and Facebook groups try to build us mom's up by constantly telling us how special we are. That we are hardworking, tenacious, advocates for our little ones.

Unfortunately, I know better.  I'm not like a lot of other special needs moms. I don't see how they find the time and energy for anything beyond taking basic care of the child/ren. I have probably the minimal amount of therapists involved, and I try to avoid the doctors if possible. I hate paperwork and phone calls. I'm not trying to start any support groups or foundations to bring awareness and acceptance to my child's disabilities. I'm just trying to survive the day to day and keep him alive and happy.

So when I read those little quips? I just end up feeling guilty.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Peace

I have virtually nothing in my head to unload right now. Nothing majorly traumatic has happened in the last few days, nothing that has gotten my emotions in an uproar.

Is this what peace is?

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Tired of Me

Selfish life. Selfish thoughts. Story of me.

I get on here to unload all the awful thoughts going through my head, and then I just end up sitting here feeling guilty and unable to confess them.  It's too embarrassing. The things that go through my head.  The things I know I should be believing and thinking vs. the things I actually think.  I wake up everyday day praying for a new outlook, praying and expecting healing and progress - for my thoughts and the baby.  But it doesn't take two minutes of just listening to the things around me, specifically when the baby is struggling, to bring me back to "earth".  I am starting to hate earth.  I must be one of the weakest humans because it's too hard for me.  I'm tired of crying everyday. I'm tired of sickness and disabilities.  I'm tired of therapists and doctors.  I'm tired of other people's pity.  I'm tired of me.

I'm tired of when I'm in the midst of my pity party, the baby will laugh at something and make me feel even more guilty.